This is Steve...

Who is he, I have no idea, but if you do please let me know, I want to know where he bought his moustache. He sure does look like he is having alot of fun at Vail though. Ah, Vail, its so big and yet every tourist seems to end up on the same part of the mountain anyway. How do they do it? Why are the back bowls at Vail so famous amongst people who have never skied? Is there some sort of funnel? It takes about half a day to get back there on purpose, so how does everyone end up at Two Elks for lunch by accident? For answers to these questions and more please send an e-mail to this address: kpetitt@vailresorts.com. Thats Kristen Pettit, International Communications Manager. She can also be reached by telephone at (970) 496 1493. I cannot be reached by telephone. Isn't the Internet great?


Oh, and this guy really likes his calzones. Maybe he will tip me in skis some day.

I'm Hyperventalating: A Movie Review?

SO....anyone out there that may have been reading this over the past 8 months or so might have noticed my slow loss of faith in humanity. I just about lost it this morning (ok, it was one o'clock) when I was told that a mutual friend of mine was just offered $500 to take an online class for someone else in order for this person to graduate from the University of Colorado (and I actually hope that someone from the university board of regents catches wind of this). I don't know if this kid is a complete moron, just lazy, or has grown up with so much wealth that he has completely lost connection with the U.S. dollar. Either way, this statement nearly gave me an anurism, I could feel my eyeballs actually attempting to escape from my skull, and for a second my grey matter felt mushy. I happen to be proud of myself for graduating from school, but when I look around at the general population of bumbling idiots in this town, I continue to devalue my own diploma. I didn't come from a wealthy background, but I managed to work enough to eat and drink while my parents helped me out some with tution and rent. I guess it is true what they say, the bachelor's degree is the new high school diploma.

Having said that I watched a fantastic film last night entitled Wristcutters: A Love Story. This morning I found myself actually considering offing myself, in the hopes that I might actually get to live in the purgatory described in the film. This world may have been somewhere between El Paso, TX and Gallup, NM, but at least that world made sense. Everybody was still depressed, but at least they didn't have to live in a world with these nothing people. At least it was a shitty world of complete equality, some sort of Eastern Europe socialist paradise set in the South Western United States. I think I may actually be happy there.

I am pretty sure I am going to go mad if I have to stay here for much longer, the problem is, I just don't know if it will be different anywhere else. Sure I could move to the city, but chances are these same people are just going to grow up, get high-paying executive jobs through their mommy and daddy's connections and continue to live the same worthless existances that still devalue and destroy the utopia I might belive could exist. Fine, I'm over it. Go ahead. Bosco, I hope you move back to the East coast and rot in a cubicle or an office in some downtown money pit that isn't doing any of us any good. The wealth and power you were born with is going to waste and you are a total drag on society. Rot you fucking old money prick, because when you wake up to be 40 years old, I will be standing before you laughting. Just know that I will never be on your side and someday I will become your worst nightare.

Would You Fight a Barracuda Bruddah?

In the expansive sea that is our nation's highway and road system, there is but one predetor. This sleek enemy roams menacingly like a shark in cold, dark water. No vehicle is immune to its attacks, not the semi-whale tractor-truck, not the cheetafish ferrari, or carbon-guzzling Soft Undulating Ventricles. No other vehicle out on the road hides in the shadows ready to pounce upon unsuspecting motorists. No other car can make you stop with a flick of their lights. No other animal will pursue you for fathoms at speeds that could turn a meer mortal into a mollusk.

These Black-and-White Sharks will have you believe that they are out there to protect you from the real predetors out there. OK sure, serve and protect. However I have never seen a drunk driver drive down the freeway at 10 under to ram an unsuspecting motorist off the road, much less check their plate number in a national database. Excuse me, but I don't think it's fair to have my head bitten off for driving within my control (though be it a bit fast for those of you who aren't professional drivers) at night. I don't think it is necessary for my tax dollars to go to a snivelling pig to fall asleep under a road sign just to check up on me.

When driving back from Texas one summer my dad and I were pulled over 3 times, and not once for swerving, reckless driving, or even speeding. Under the guise of terrorism, we were picked up for simply being from out of state. Last I checked, interstate commerce at 3 in the morning is not a crime. These land-sharks of the vast Texas oil fields felt it necessary to impede our progress and try to let a little blood (which surely would have begun a feeding frenzy in Bumfuck, Texas) simply for "not being from 'round here."

Here's what I say: lets fight back. These guys can't be on top of the food chain forever. Even tertiary species have something hunting them whether it be Zombies, The Predetor, or other guys such as yourself. Oh no, we're not taking it anymore.

Four and Twenty

Today was Hitler's birthday, no wait, the 15th anniverserary of the Waco massacare, no, 13th anniversary of the Oklahoma City bombing, or is it nine years after the Columbine shootings? No, no, no, its the national observance of marijuana. Here in Boulder, Colorado, its not just another day, its a day for everyone to get just as blitzed as they possibly can.

As a drove to work I watched thousands of twenty-somethings make their way to the University of Colorado campus to celebrate with every other stoner that could still stand up and walk to Norlin Quad. They gathered to light up personal joints, blunts, and spliffs at 4:20 in the afternoon. Apart from the fact that the foothills themselves were on fire, this illegal blaze spouted the single largest skunk flavored cloud I have ever seen in my life, while the Boulder P.D. stand helplessly by.

At around 4:30 this massively disoriented group of people discend upon the many eaterys located around the Campus to gorge themselves on pizza, sandwiches, chinese dishes, and my personal favorite, calzones. Delivery drivers speed though this pedestrian mess to run horribly late food to starving customers all around town. No joke, I took an order from a fellow who ordered 126 wings. After cooking this obscene amount of food I expected to deliver to a party littered with glass. What I found were four or five bleary-eyed stoners ready to eat the meat right off my bones.

I definately remember saying this last year and I will probably say it again next year. If this many young people can get off their asses to attend a completely spontaneous (without formal planning) event, then why the hell haven't we stopped this war. All of this energy could so easily be used to protest any number of things, but what does it end up getting used for? Getting so fucked up that we can't even think anymore. You guys are using a precious mind-altering (and perhaps awakening) substance, for what? Somehow marijuana use helped to spark an entire generation of protest and dissent ending with new Civil Rights laws and the end to an unjust war. Don't fucking tell me that there isn't anything left to protest. When American morality is this close to being legislated and several foriegn nations would gladly cut our throats, the sure as shit is something to get out of bed in the morning for. For christ sakes this 4/20 thing has been happening for generations and these apathetic stoners still haven't done anything to reform the prohibition laws against their precious weed while alcohol, tobacco, and firearms run free.

Hey! Pay some fucking attention and next year lets march on Washington with our reefers in hand!

Popemobile unsafe in a 35 m.p.h. barrier crash test

Not only is the Pope against contraceptives, but vehicle safety. On his recent visit to the United States Pope Benedict Arnold XIV renounced seat belts in cars. The controversy began when the Holy Father refused to put on his safety belt in the back of the Popemobile, though Mecedes installed a special belt made of a holy relic said to have been worn by Jesus Christ himself. The Pope said to his Archbishop "Che la cintura di sicurezza è troppo unconfortable ed esso giusti fa i miei abiti legare in su. Inoltre, questa cosa va soltanto come cinque miglia all'ora. (That seat belt is just too unconfortable and it makes my robes bunch up. Besides, this thing only goes like five miles an hour.)"

Mercedes, sole manufacturer of the Popemobile, was actually the first automobile manufacturer to install safety belts in any of its cars. Seat belts have been mandatory in all cars in the United States since December 1, 1984. But that doesn't mean everybody wears them. Though they have been proven to save lives in the course of fatal accidents, many Americans still refuse to wear them. In Colorado, not wearing your belt is a secondary traffic offense, that is, a ticket can be issued, but only after a primary offense (you can't get pulled over for not having your seat belt buckled).

In the face of a nationwide "Click-It or Ticket" campaign to try to enforce seat belt laws, this Papal blunder seems to be disproving infallibility once again.

In a special April 20th press conference, political activist Ralph Nader stumbled out from under a NORML anti-marijuana prohibition rally to make a statement against the pope. "A lotta people look up to this guy," stammered Nader, "and for him to publicly refute the laws of this country in front of millions of New Yorkers and television viewers across the nation, uh, that's just not good, you know?" Nader has been a staunch proponent of the seat belt laws since there inception and personally refused to ride in any car that was not a Mercedes prior to the law's signing.

Surely we can't allow the head of one of the world's largest morality institutions to get away with this kind of behavior. Surely we can't give fuel to young Catholic children who already refuse to sit in their child safety seats and wear their seat belts. Raise your voices in public outcry and hold our world leaders accountable for their own behavior. Wear your seat belt Pope!