April 12: I may have stumbled across the most significant discovery of my own life. I became marooned on this island about a week ago after a band of Maori pirates ransacked and then destroyed my ship. They left me to die with a small backpack and no food in a lifeboat. This pen and paper, a small Nalgene, some short pieces of webbing, a Bic lighter, and my iPod is all that I was left with to survive. I blacked out sometime overnight and once I regained consciousness the raft had washed ashore.
April 14: I have been surviving upon nuts and berries for the last two days, as I imagine local human being might. I sleep in a tree not far into the brush to avoid the insects that I fear more than death. Speaking of death, I have decided what music will usher me into eternal sleep: Aegis Byrun by Sigur Ros. I know I cannot go on much longer. I’ve had a good run, I have nothing else to live for, goodbye!
April 15: Still alive. I have begun running about the canopy in hopes I might accidentally fall and kill myself.
April 16: Saved! I have located the local human population. I have done my best to remain undetected by them. Initial observations indicate that they are completely unspoiled by modernity: natural dress, early human tool use, loose hierarchical societal structure. This hierarchy seems to be based upon who can build the best fire. The moral conflict is ripe. If I do not make contact I will surely not survive, the lack of protein in my diet is already slowing my mind. If I do show myself to them I may taint their harmonious lifestyle.
April 17: I don’t want to die!!! I am too young, if I make it back to the western world I could be the richest and most famous Anthropologist of all time. Please to let me die out here alone.
April 19: I stripped down naked and walked into a completely alien human community. I have stashed my backpack amongst the trees. I was greeted with inquisitive stares from the males and shrieks of horror from the females. I was ushered quickly into a grass hut and given a loin cloth after being stabbed with several needles. After gaining consciousness once more I was allowed to roam freely. I came across one woman who wore an enormous amount of body paint. She sat in a chair within some sort of alter. She faced a massive bonfire and she stared unbrokenly into it. Suddenly she barks an order and a nearby man scrambles to do her bidding. I walked into her gaze and try to meet her eye. She rolled her head on her neck and took a moment to focus. She shrieked and I looked down to notice that my loin cloth was no longer secured. I felt a familiar prick and blacked out.
I returned to my tree and gathered my safari clothing and backpack. I walked right up to the privileged woman and stared back into her eyes. I turned the Bic in my hand and flicked it with my thumb. She nearly fell out of her chair she was so excited. My guess is that she wasn’t having the best time leading these people and was glad to pass the duty along to me. My apparent ability to conjure fire from my hand stunned everyone and they fell to their knees. The power I feel is just as stunning to me, I feel like God must feel when he attends one of those mega-churches in the Southern U.S.
Ah ha, but I have another trick up my sleeve! I pulled the iPod out of my backpack and put the earbuds into the listening orifice of the nearest local. A wild look came over his eyes as the Mars Volta tore right through his brain. Soon a line formed to hear my new feat of magic. Man, these people are great, who would have thought that the exact same organ could have evolved in such different directions. I guess Darwin probably thought that.
April 20: Bad news, I ran out of butane today. No longer able to bring about flame at will, I have been dethroned. My replacement stole my iPod and I have been forced to make playlist selections for her. I’m scared and I want to go home. The battery bar is down to a short red line, and my next selection will be Sigur Ros.
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