CRISIS AVERTED: SOCIAL SECURITY’S FINAL SOLUTION

Washington, DC (Onion) - Following a success in French pension reform, the United States Senate passed today an historic bill reforming the Social Security system in its own country. The bill, under the guise of a worsening economic crisis will deport all retirees over the age of seventy-five. The proposed new law will demonstrate that all such persons, dangerously approaching (if not exceeding) the established life-expectancy, have exhausted all of their potential use for the nation’s economy, and will therefore be deported and exiled to an undisclosed location. The bill calls for the use of half of the current Federal Social Security budget to be freed to be used to purchase the location, transport those who qualify, and set up interment camps to house the deportees for their remaining years. Thousands of Registered Nurses are also being recruited to tropical locations that are rumored to be potential hotspots of geriatric activity.
The bill calls for a massive privatization, or federal purchase, of current assisted living communities where the economically depraved are concentrated and demands that all those who are retired and over the age limit will be deported. The internment isles are set to be modeled off of contemporary facilities but in a tropical setting. A new, and voluntary, program of euthanasia will be set in place and heavily encouraged, especially to those who require specific medical attention.
This new wave of pension reform is said to take the pressure off of the federal government as a large sector of the population is on its way to retirement age and will therefore be totally useless to the future of this country. Senetors in support of this bill thank deeply the so called “baby-boomer” generation for their service and support of their nation throughout their lifetime and appreciate their cooperation and patriotism in this country’s time of need.
The bill will also appropriate funds from next years budget to set up a new government agency to enforce the prospective law. The Age Enforcement Agency (AEA) will work closely with the Social Security Administration and the Department of Defense to make sure that the change goes over smoothly. A new Presidential cabinet post is expected somewhere the beginning of the next fiscal year.
The final clause in the bill will be rolled out by the year 2020, and will make living within the continental United States illegal for those who exceed the age of seventy-five, punishable by deportation and possibly “voluntary” assisted suicide.