An Internal Threat

Milk prices have soared to over $7 per gallon over the last week in response to the recent turmoil in America's Heartland. The National Guard and Army Reserve have been called up to battle what the President has called, "our most pressing internal threat." This marks the only threat to have surpassed terrorism in national security terms since September 11, 2001.

The bovine insurgency began last Wednesday when Wisconsin Governor, James Doyle, Jr. (D), declared a state emergency as dairy cows began rising up and destroying milk production plants. "What many people don't realize is that once they get riled up, they are a 600 pound force to be reckoned with," said Nebraska dairy farmer Rick Sand. It seems that collectively the species, Bos terus, just decided that they would no longer be exploited for economic and idyllic purposes and fought back the only way they knew how. So far an estimated $60 billion in damages to dairy facilities have been caused by sows across the nation. This figure does not include the lost revenue of the lost livestock.

The self-liberated cows have been found roaming the countryside from Vermont to California. Residents of the Breadbasket and Heartland regions of the United States are advised not to approach the roaming and apparently feral packs of animals. The runaway beasts are to be considered extremely dangerous. Several vigilante groups have formed over the past week, many of which have been reported missing.

The National Guard was dispatched throughout the region last Friday, with an additional 30,000 Army Reserves called up by the President. They are dealing with the situation very delicately, using methods to attempt to capture the groups alive, while taking a "dead or alive" stance on suspected ringleaders. Though reports show that cattle insurgency is very active throughout the nation, President Bush is expected to make a victory speech later on this weekend.

The Chicago Mercantile Exchange estimates that prices for other dairy-based products such as Cheddar and Yogurt will rise by between 100 and 300% by Monday. Commodities Exchanges in China and Japan are expected to align with the US Market once the decision is made to begin importing these products while the US Dairy Industry is rebuilt.